Are You Winning the Fight? Or Resolving the Conflict?
February 14, 2025
Author | Hannah Hill
Conflict happens in all relationships—whether that’s with your partner, bestie, or mom. It’s hard to know how to respond to conflict. Some of us hide in the corner at the mere mention of confrontation and some of us grab the boxing gloves and get right in that ring. No matter which conflict style you use, most of the time there’s room for improvement. As a therapist in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania who specializes in treating anxiety, I often see clients who are working to better navigate conflicts in their relationships. When they describe disagreements, one of my favorite questions to ask is “What is the goal: winning the fight or resolving the conflict?” When our angry brains are activated, it’s not uncommon for us to focus on winning the fight or proving the other person wrong. But that certainly won’t resolve the conflict. Here are some ways to resolve conflict, improve communication, and de-escalate rising tension along the way.
Let’s Talk About It.
Most people will agree that healthy communication is essential for resolving conflict. The problem is, we don’t often use healthy communication when we’re in conflict. “I” statements can be a great antidote to the defensiveness that comes up for us. I like to use the model: “I feel ______ when you _____. Can/Would you _______?” For example: “I feel dismissed when you don’t let me finish my sentence. Would you be willing to let me talk before you respond?” This is an alternative to a more common: “You never shut the fuck up when I’m trying to talk!” One feels pretty accusatory, the other fosters more alignment. And if we want to resolve the conflict, aligning with the other person helps.
One aspect of communication that we often overlook is listening. This is so hard to do in moments of anger or frustration but it’s essential for the person on the other end of the conflict to feel heard and for you to understand what they need. Examples of active listening are: making eye contact, nodding your head, and repeating back what the other person said so that you ensure understanding. For example: “So what you’re saying is that you want me to be more proactive in doing chores so that you don’t have to ask me to do them?” Lastly, it’s important to remember your nonverbal communication. Try not to stand with your arms folded, roll your eyes, or make gestures or sounds that indicate that you’re dismissing the other person. That’s no good for business.
Setting Boundaries is Setting You Up For Success.
Boundaries are so important in relationships and even more important when it comes to conflict resolution. Sometimes I hear from clients that they are hesitant to set boundaries for fear of being perceived as mean or rigid. Boundaries don’t have to be rigid but they do need to be clear. Having expectations for conflict resolution in our relationships is not mean—it allows for all parties involved to have a clear understanding about what is expected and what is tolerated.
Before approaching a tough topic, utilizing mindfulness to check in with yourself can be really helpful. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, postponing the conversation might be a good option. If the conflict gets heated or too intense, taking breaks is encouraged. This is different than stonewalling, which is an ineffective conflict resolution strategy. Stonewalling is when a person completely shuts down and refuses to engage in the conversation. Taking a break means asking the other person to pause. Acknowledge that you’re feeling overwhelmed and ask if you can pause the conversation for a period of time (10-30 minutes is a good window).
Similarly, if the boundary has been established that breaks in the conversation are encouraged, it is important to acknowledge and respect the other person’s boundaries, too. If they ask for time, give it. Remember that setting boundaries should be done with compassion and respect. Instead of saying, “Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk anymore” you could frame it as, “This is getting really intense and I need a break to collect my thoughts.”
Stop Winning. Start Resolving.
Conflict does not have to be toxic or aggressive. By focusing on the resolution of issues, we can stop focusing on “winning” the fight. Keeping that goal in mind can help you work toward resolving conflict, improving communication, and fostering healing. If your anxiety or stress is impacting your ability to effectively communicate in your relationships, a therapist can help you navigate those challenges. If you’re looking for a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety, I offer services virtually throughout Pennsylvania and have a practice location in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania.