Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Have To: Stop Letting Guilt Drive Your Decisions
February 28, 2025
Author | Hannah Hill
As a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania, I work with a wide range of clients. I see a lot of mothers who work outside the home in addition to managing their household. As one of these women, I can attest to the exhausting nature of mental load. No one understands quite like us what that means. With the mental load often comes a ton of guilt. It ranges from guilt about not being perfect or doing it “right”, guilt for not being able to be everything to everyone, guilt for saying no…you name it, we feel guilty. Here are some ways to move away from allowing guilt to drive your decision making.
Self-Care | It’s More Than Just Yoga and Massages
Self-care is one of those buzzwords that’s all over social media and has been incorporated into our everyday vernacular. When I ask clients about self-care, I usually get a response like, “I try to get a massage. I do yoga. Sometimes I’ll get a pedicure.” And don’t get me wrong, all of those things are great and fun and self-care! But not all of us have the time (or money) to scoot over to our favorite massage therapist when shit gets rough. I encourage my clients to find more creative self-care approaches. It can be as simple as taking 5 minutes to enjoy your first few sips of morning coffee. I sharing the idea to start the day with mindfulness: give yourself a few extra minutes to sit in your favorite spot and practice the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: observe 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste. This allows you to be mindful and to start your day in a peaceful, calm way. A far cry from how I started my days in my 20’s by pounding energy drinks and smoking as many cigarettes as I could before work (and if that’s your current morning routine, no shame). Another form of self-care is simply declining a request that you don’t have time to complete (more on that in a minute). One of the things that trips us up when we’re motivated by guilt is the idea that self-care is selfish. Repeat after me: This. Is. False. By not practicing self-care, you are actually setting yourself up to be more irritable and less present with those you love. Taking a minute to yourself (perhaps five if you’re feeling generous), allows you to feel, breathe, and prepare. Hopefully you get more than five minutes, but sometimes that’s all we got!
Perfection Is The Enemy of Good
As humans, we are harder on ourselves than we are on others. This is especially true of mothers, particularly mothers who work outside the home as well as manage the household. We expect perfection at all costs. In our defense, some of this is adaptive. We juggle so many balls, that if one of them falls, it can be immensely disruptive to our activities of daily living. For instance, if a mother is responsible for getting her kids up and out of the house in the morning, imagine if she sleeps in. The kids don’t wake up, she’s late for work, the kids are late for school, she has to find a way to get them to school rather than taking the bus, she has to alert the school of their lateness, she has to text her boss and let them know she’ll be late while also rearranging her day to accommodate for the late start. The cost of sleeping in feels really high, right? Sometimes that mentality holds us back from taking care of ourselves, though. Because if I feel like prioritizing some of my needs means deprioritizing others, then I’ll feel guilty. We have to understand, recognize, and embrace the idea that motherhood is imperfect. We can’t be the perfect mom, the person who never lets a ball fall, and we don’t need to compare ourselves to the mom next door who seems to have it all together. Because she doesn’t. None of us do. That’s OK and quite frankly, our worlds would be better if we all admitted that openly. Sometimes good enough is good enough!
Learn When To Say “No, Thank You.”
I love the idea of replying “no, thank you” to something that I don’t have the time or energy to do. For instance, as a working mother, I am constantly being asked to volunteer my time, energy, money, or something else and quite honestly, I can’t keep the fuck up. So when I get that email that makes me feel obligated, I check myself. If I have the time to bake two dozen cookies for the bake sale, then by all means, I do. But if I’m seeing 25 clients this week, have to cart my children to after school activities, my husband is working late, and I have plans to visit family over the weekend, baking those cookies seems like an impossible feat. So I simply say (out loud, somewhat insanely, but to no one in particular) “no, thank you.” Someone else will bake the cookies, or donate the money, or volunteer their time. It’s OK to take care of yourself by declining a request that you quite literally don’t have time to fulfill.
Now Is The Time to Say No to Guilt
It’s easy to feel guilty when you take time for yourself. But prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish—it’s a crucial part of managing your anxiety and avoiding burnout—whether that’s professionally, personally or both. Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Feeling guilty is a conditioned response to putting your own needs and wants at the forefront. When you take care of yourself, it allows you to be more patient and present when you’re taking care of others. If you’re having trouble navigating feelings of guilt or not feeling good enough, connecting with a therapist specializing in anxiety can help you identify better coping skills to create balance in your life. If you’re looking for a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety, I offer services virtually throughout Pennsylvania and have a practice location in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania. If you’re ready to let go of guilt and reclaim some peace of mind, reach out!